


Without You

by Emerald_Leaves



Series: Across the Universe [3]
Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TV 2012), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: Blood and Gore, Death, F/M, Feelings Realization, Feels, Friendship, I Made Up Alien Stuff, Longing, M/M, Nostalgia, Regret, Sci-Fi, Science Mumbo-Jumbo, Trauma, Violence, War
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-14
Updated: 2017-11-01
Packaged: 2018-12-29 16:39:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 5,442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12089052
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emerald_Leaves/pseuds/Emerald_Leaves
Summary: In fellowship with the stories "Losing Leo" and "Letting You Go".Raphael's thoughts and feelings as he travels through space with Mona Lisa during the Salamandrian war campaign





	1. Week One

**Author's Note:**

> First snippet of Raph's time in the military. Let me know what y'all think! :]

A week. Raph had really been gone from home for an entire _week_ without his brothers or friends from Earth. It was the longest he’d ever been away without them. The longest any of the turtles had been away from one another. And here was Raphael, the first of them to do so, doing what none of them ever had!

But the pride in the accomplishment was bitter. He missed his family. _A lot._ It was always hard to be away from Splinter, April, and Casey, but his brothers? Leo?

 _Shouldn’t be thinkin’ a him,_ the turtle scolded himself as he tried to pay attention to the first meeting going over their mission. Their first assignment was facing off with some kind of aliens called Tardulians that looked like hideous bear-like creatures. They were _disgusting._ These things had apparently been settling within Salamandrian territories across the galaxy and were attempting to create colonies, set up military bases. They needed to be stopped.

Objective: Get rid of the damn squatters.

Sitting beside him, Mona Lisa was paying rapt attention to their commanding officer, Commander G’Rothma. Raph hadn’t decided yet if he liked the guy or not. While authoritative, there was something…lacking to his style.

The longer the lecture went on, the more the turtle’s mind started to wander. He hoped everyone was doing all right back on Earth. Hoped that they weren’t taking his going too hard. Hoped… hoped Leo would get over things soon. His face when Raph had been leaving haunted the younger ninja, even when awake.

“Raphael.”

Snapping focus on Mona Lisa, he smiled sheepishly at her scolding eyes. He wasn’t used to such long meetings like this. His brothers never spent this much time blabbing, and even if they did, conversation and other opinions were often welcomed. Here, it was the commander’s way or no way at all.

“Sorry,” he murmured with a sigh. Readjusted himself in his seat, the turtle tried not to fidget too much. Tried to take his mind off the negative and focus on the present, on all the good things he now had.

Like, he was here with _Mona_. It was amazing to spend so much time together, getting to know her. Know the _real_ Mona Lisa, and not just the snippets he’d been forced to glean through messages and brief encounters. When he went to bed, it was after having seen Mona Lisa all day. When he woke up in the morning, it was to find Mona Lisa there, waiting for him with a smile. It was everything he’d ever wanted.

Almost.

It was at night, when he was in his room, that things were...hard. When he was alone and cold, left only with his thoughts, that the doubts and guilt consumed him. Images of Leonardo plagued him, made him regret ever having had any kind of relationship with his brother in the first place. Because when he was alone in his bunk, staring at the metal ceiling, a fierce war battled within his chest, pulling him apart. It hurt, left him breathless. But worst of all, he had no idea what it meant.

Why couldn’t he let go?

Blinking back to reality when he saw everyone moving, Raphael pushed all thoughts of his family and brothers behind him, intent on fulfilling his mission.


	2. The First Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raphael takes some time to come to terms with what he's done.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Monday!

Raphael sat beyond the camp, away from everyone, staring out into the desolate world before him. It had been hours since the fighting stopped, but in his mind, the battle continued to rage. He was filthy, covered head to toe in grim and muck and blood. So much blood…

The air was fragrant with the aroma of burning corpses and smoke from weapons discharge. The scent, the scenes, the memories haunted him. They had spent nearly six hours engaging the enemy face to face. Even now the turtle’s ears were ringing, body numb as the memories consumed his mind.

Tearing his eyes away from the horizon, Raph stared down at his hands. They were trembling. Despite all of his talk when he was younger, despite his temperament, Raphael had never actually thought himself capable of the horrendous violence he’d committed today. These hands were stained forever now. They could never be clean.

A swell of rage overtook him, and before he knew what he was doing, Raph had leapt to his feet and threw a large rock as hard as he could, screaming. “FUCK!” Several more were thrown, before a gentle voice called out to him.

“Raphael.”

Turning, the turtle spun on his heels, ready to tear someone apart, when he froze. Mona Lisa was standing near, proud shoulders drooped, movements stiff. It was clear to see that the long day had worn on her as well.

He couldn’t look at her. How could he? After everything he’d done, after killing so many people. How could he ever think of touching her with these hands?

“You were only following orders,” her voice was soft. Too soft. Hot tears burning in the turtle’s eyes. He blamed it on the lingering smoke.

He’d never killed anyone with intent before. It was a line he’d once promised himself never to cross. Sure there’d been accidents in the past, sometimes you just couldn’t save everyone. But to deliberately take a life? Today he’d willingly stepped over hard lines and worse than that, he’d found he was terribly good at it.

Releasing a shaky sigh, the ninja turned back towards the horizon, not sure what to make of the day. There had been so much loss of life. Comrades gone, enemies obliterated. It was all so surreal, familiar, yet new. Darker than anything he’d known before.

Picking her way through the shards of rock and sand, Mona stepped beside the turtle, reaching out for him. He didn’t pull away, allowed her to touch him. “Battles like this are difficult,” she reasoned quietly, pressing her forehead to his. “It takes time to make any kind of sense of the chaos, of the fight. You are still new to this sort of battle. In time, you will adjust.”

Raph wasn’t sure he _wanted_ to adjust. He’d…he’d done a lot of things he never would have considered back on Earth. He still remembered the feeling of slashing through skin, deep enough to hit bone, deep enough that the enemy would never rise again. Remembered watching the life bleed from their eyes.

When he didn’t reply, Mona continued her pitying gaze. “Perhaps you should rest.”

Raphael carefully pulled away from his girlfriend, not sure he wanted – or could – sleep tonight. “I’ll…be in, in a little while,” he promised. He needed to be alone for a while longer.

Apparently understanding, Mona nuzzled the top of the turtle’s head in the Salamandrian show of affection, before turning back to camp. Once alone, Raph turned to watch the sun set in the west. Closing his eyes, head bowed, he tried not to think of everything he’d done. Tried to purge the image of accusing blue eyes from his mind.


	3. Comrades

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raph's having trouble adjusting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll admit it, I didn't think I'd be updating for this as quickly as I have been, but these are sort of fun :) Enjoy!

He wasn’t fitting in. And it was frustrating. The only person on the ship that liked him was Mona Lisa, and while Raphael hadn’t come out here to play nice with others, it would be nice to be liked by at least _some_ other Salamandrians.

At first the Salamandrians had been wary of the turtle amongst them, eyeing him curiously or suspiciously. It had been expected. They were not a naturally trusting people – Raph remembered first meeting his girlfriend – so their initial coldness didn’t affect him much. It was anticipated. But after _weeks_ with nothing changing, it was starting to wear the Terran down. And while not necessarily a social butterfly, Raph knew it was healthier to interact with more than just one person.

Sitting in the cafeteria – alone – Raphael stared sullenly at the alien food. It was bland and rubbery and generally unappealing other than the fact that it was a good source of protein. As he poked it, watching it jiggle, caused a sneer to work onto his face. It looked a lot like one of Mikey’s ‘experiments’ when he broke into the lab. The flavor was not _horrible,_ but it certainly lacked any sort of appeal that made you want to eat.

Slamming the utensil that looked a lot like a spork down, Raph snarled, ignoring the stares he garnered by the act. He wanted food, _real_ food! He wanted pizza! Wanted spaghetti! He wanted chips and popcorn and _junk_! He wanted beer! He wanted someone to eat with! Someone to sit with him! He wanted…he wanted to go home.

The orange lump of flubber in front of him continued to jiggle, and it reminded the turtle far too much of his youngest brother. Bright and orange and unable to sit still. Mikey could have eaten this shit and probably enjoyed it. The turtle-dumpster could eat _anything_ and relish the taste, his lead-lined stomach capable of digesting nearly everything.

Donnie definitely wouldn’t eat this. The genius would have more than likely starved to death by now, unable to stand the food onboard. Of them all, Don was the pickiest eater. It was amazing that he’d survived until their fifteenth mutation day considering how they’d only had algae and worms with very little in between up until then. This piece of ‘protein’ would be of more interest to the genius for dissection than nourishment.

And Leo…

He needed to make some friends. It was pathetic how much he kept thinking about his brothers. While difficult, he could make friends. It wasn’t that hard. He had April and Casey, after all. He supposed he could add in Miwa and Shinigami, too. That was four! And the Mutanimals. That was at least four more. It wasn’t that he _couldn’t_ make friends, and it didn’t really matter that all those friends he’d made only because he’d had the help of his brothers…

Letting his head _thunk_ down on the table, Raphael suppressed a groan. This would be harder than he’d thought, and he had no brothers to back him up.


	4. T-Phone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raph decides to leave the T-phone off.

The T-phone was off. It had been since the moment Raph and Mona Lisa had first left the Fugitoid’s ship. That had been just over a month ago. At first Raph had told himself he just wanted to focus on getting settled, on learning the ropes before he allowed any outside interference to disrupt his schedule. He could always call or text his family later.

But the longer the phone sat turned off in his bag, the more disinclined the turtle was to turn it on again. He was homesick enough without texts or calls to remind him that he wasn’t there. It was easier to ignore how much he missed his family and Earth when he had no reminders of them at all.

Besides, this time away wasn’t about his family or even himself. This was about Mona. He was here to be with _her_ , to experience _her_ culture and way of living. He was here to learn not only all about what she did and what she was like outside of battles, but to show her that he was willing to put forth the effort in learning. He wanted to show her that he loved her, wanted to show her that he’d do anything for her. Even leave his family. All for her.

But however romantic the sentiment, it was painful. It went against everything Raphael had ever been taught. Family was supposed to stick together no matter what. Family was supposed to have your back, supposed to do anything for you. They were there when you fell, there to cover your weakness, there to pick you up again.

Since leaving his family behind, Raph found himself feeling naked and alone. He’d always had his brothers, could always rely on them even when he was being a colossal ass. Out here, with the Salamandrians…He trusted them in battle to do their jobs, but that was different from knowing they took a personal interest in watching out for him. He didn’t know any of them save Mona and often times she wasn’t right beside him. No one else was as invested in protecting him as his brothers had been.

_“Are you sure about this, Raph? Are you really sure?”_

Not for the first time Leonardo’s voice rang in the turtle’s head. The longer he was out here, the more he wondered what the hell he was doing. Maybe Leonardo had been right. Maybe he shouldn’t have left. Maybe…

Sneering, Raph glared hatefully at his reflection in the mirror. He was listening to _Leo_ now? Leo was the whole fucking reason Raph decided to go in the first place! He was the reason Raphael was dealing with all the homesickness, the weird food, the space sickness. If Leonardo hadn’t been acting so weird before he’d left, if Leo hadn’t started pressing, hadn’t fucking camped out in his _brain_ , Raph could be at home right now enjoying a fight on T.V! This was all Leo’s fault! It was Leo’s fault that he was out here! It was all Leo's fucking fault that his fucking phone was off!

Deep blue eyes flashed in his mind, warm and caring, housed in soft features. Tearing his eyes away from the green that stared back, Raph glared at the floor. He wished the Salamandian’s used water for bathing and not just sonic vibrations to get clean. A cold splash to the face sounded great right about now.

Screwing up his courage, not for the first time the turtle vowed silently to himself that he’d conquer his obsession with his brother once and for all. He would forget all about Leonardo because he had Mona Lisa now. No more twisted fixation on his brother. The T-phone would be left off to prevent temptation. He would forget Leonardo!

He _would_!


	5. Wait

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raph muses over Mona Lisa telling him she wants to 'wait.'

“ _I’m sorry, Raphael, but I want to wait_.”

Sitting in his room, lounging on his bunk as he waited for rollcall that morning, Raph mused over the discussion with Mona Lisa from the night before. They were in for some leave time soon before the next rotation and he’d gotten some ideas. He was out here to get to know Mona, right? Spend some time with her? What teenager wouldn’t think of accomplishing this when they got a little ‘alone’ time?

It had taken quite a bit of courage on his part to bring up the subject. Raph wasn’t good with words. It wasn’t like he’d ever had to breech the subject with anyone before either. Not really. It had been different with Leo. Their first time was hazy in his mind and littered with drama as Raph had been drunk at the time. Suggesting sex after that rather awkward mistake had been embarrassing, but at the same time, simpler because they’d already _done it_. Clear words hadn’t exactly been needed to get the point across, neither having to say the word ‘sex’. It still sort of amazed Raph that Leonardo had accepted the premise. One would have thought Fearless Leader was above a ‘friends with benefits’ arrangement. But he’d accepted, negotiations laid out on the table as to what would apply and what would be off limits. It had been a deal. A contract. Nothing more.

With Mona it was different. Raphael wasn’t wanting a contract or a legalistic relationship with rules and boundaries. He wanted to be with Mona simply to be with her, to not have to worry about anyone finding out about what they were doing or caring even if they did. He was sick of hiding, sick of waiting until others were gone, sick of being afraid. With Mona he could be free, could sleep with her and no one would bat an eyelash. There would be no more shame.

But she wanted to wait. That hadn’t been in the turtle’s plans when coming up here. She didn’t want to break tradition, didn’t want to mate outside of a proper bonding ceremony. He simply hadn’t expected that kind of answer. Hadn’t thought of it as a possibility.

Of course he would respect it and her. If Mona wanted to wait for sex, Raph would wait. No big deal. They could still mess around a little, she hadn’t taken that off the table completely. This was only a minor setback in the grand scheme of things. So he had to wait a little while. No big deal.

But was it really? Glaring up at the ceiling, the ninja was confused. Because he’d been amped for sex since coming on board. He’d thought about it often enough on Earth, even on the way to meet Mona Lisa. He was a physical kind of guy, had become accustomed to a certain level of intimacy with another person. It was how he could most clearly show he cared, that he drew comfort in return. Hell, he’d been waking up horny the past couple of days not having any true release in weeks. He _wanted_ sex. Was _starved_ for it. So why the hell was he so cool with Mona putting a damper on this?

It was with a tremendous sense of guilt and no small amount of embarrassment that Raphael admitted he was actually _relieved_ that she wanted to wait. He shouldn’t be, but he was. Because every time he looked into Mona Lisa’s warm, caring face…

Rolling over onto his side, listening to the platoon sergeant beginning to pound on the doors to wake everyone, Raph wanted to just close his eyes and tune out the world, but didn’t dare. Not because of the sergeant outside, but because if he did, Mona’s beautiful visage would morph into the soft expression of Leonardo. Every. Damned. Time.

The vicious knock on the door alerted the turtle that he couldn’t procrastinate any longer. Getting up, he straightened out the covers so the bed was perfectly made and got ready for the day, not having gotten a single minute of sleep. He decided to ignore these conflicting feelings for the time being and hoped the day would be grueling, leaving him no time to miss caressing silky jade scales.


	6. Training Advice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raphael trains with the Salamandrians.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Friday!

As it turned out, shooting a gun was a _lot_ harder than Raphael would have imagined. He’d always thought the premise was to point and shoot and that was it. Apparently it took more than pulling a trigger if someone actually wanted to be _good_. The kick from the rifle after firing could easily unbalance a person, and if the butt of the stock wasn’t snug against the shoulder, if it wasn’t held firm, the shot would go wild. When it came to pistols, the wrists had to be held stiff, arms extended. And of course no matter what, one had to have a strong stance, leaning forward ever so slightly to move forward to engage the enemy. Both eyes needed to be open for combat, one eye closed for precision target shooting. Needless to say, actually shooting was _nothing_ like how they showed it on T.V. or in movies.

But besides the basic stance of firing, Raphael had to learn how a gun worked, how to dissemble and reassemble all the firearms used within the Salamandrian military in only a minute and a half. His best time for the rifles was a minute and five seconds, with a pistol, forty-five seconds. Certainly not impressive, but he passed with his thick clumsy fingers. He might have done better had the pieces not been so small.

Cleaning the weapons, however, was much easier, giving him a mindless task to complete. Actually, the more Raph messed with the guns, the more he came to like them. While frustrating at first, making him feel incredibly stupid when he couldn’t immediately hit the targets perfectly, the more he learned, the more he enjoyed it. Target practice was actually pretty soothing, giving him something to concentrate on, but still didn’t demand too much thought. And disassembling them for cleaning was better as he didn’t think, just moved his hands. It was amazing to learn how simple a firearm was, not nearly as many pieces to it as he might have thought there should be.

He’d just finished mandatory time at the range and was going to clean after firing with several of the other guys. After picking up the basics, not looking like a complete fool anymore, he’d managed to earn some respect from some of the other Salamandrians. Actually, the sergeant, who was probably the best shot in the entire vessel, took the turtle under his wing, surprisingly patient with Raph as he taught him.

K’Sarthyr was with him now, keeping sharp golden eyes on the turtle, watching to gage his improvement. Raph ignored the scrutinizing gaze, and simply did what he needed to do. And while he cleaned the residue from the laser round away, his mind started to space.

He and Mona had been messing around a little in their spare time. It was exciting and new and a lot better than just the nosing they’d done in the past. He’d also never known she could use her tail for so many _things_. But even so, it wasn’t what he’d thought it’d be. It was nice, it was different, but…

His hand slipped as he’d been scrubbing the barrel, causing it to clatter to the floor. “Shit,” he muttered, reaching forward to pick it up.

“Your mind appears to be elsewhere, Raphael,” K’Sarthyr commented offhandedly, eyes trained on his own rifle.

“Sorry,” the turtle muttered, going over the barrel again since some filth from the floor had stuck to the oiled barrel.

The older male said nothing for a moment, focusing on reassembling the weapon, before commenting. “The first tour is always the most educational,” he offered wisely. “You learn to work as a unit, pick up skills you’ve never considered needing, and doing things you’ve never thought you’d ever do.”

Raphael glared down at the now reassembled rifle in his hands, refusing to let his mind take him down that dark path he’d been meticulously avoiding. He didn’t want to be reminded of the faces that haunted his dreams, both alien and so very familiar.

Standing up as he, too, was finished, K’Sarthyr placed a surprisingly friendly hand on the Terran’s shoulder, forcing the turtle to look up. “You also learn a lot about yourself.”

And with that, the sergeant walked away, leaving the younger male to his thoughts.


	7. Rainy Days

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raph gets caught in the rain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a bad day, therefore, Raph gets one too.  
> I don't know what this is, but I hope you enjoy it anyway.

_While he couldn’t say he was exactly surprised, Raph still didn’t like the fact that he’d yet again gotten into another argument with Leonardo. Shivering as he wrapped his arms around himself, he glared daggers at his brother’s shell, which was stubbornly facing him. Thunder boomed overhead and all he could rely on for heat was his own temper._

_They’d stopped fighting only a little while ago, Leo now giving him the cold shoulder. Bastard was terribly good at it. Mr. Ice-man. While he liked to pretend he was all zen and shit all the time, the leader had just as bad of a temper as Raph did. The only difference between them was Leo could swallow it down when he needed, bottle it up, where Raph just flew off the handle._

_Even in the darkened corner of the shipping yard they’d hidden themselves away in until both the workers and the storm passed, Raph could see Leo shivering. Masked in shadow, it would have been easy to overlook the ninja’s plight had his shoulders not been shaking quite so violently. Early November, the rain water was dripping down on them even as the brothers tried to keep dry in an old shipping container._

_Raph wanted to stay angry with his brother, wanted to huddle down and stew in his anger for a while longer, but found the heat of his temper quickly evaporating. Because Leonardo, the arrogant prick, looked absolutely miserable. He’d always been a little more cold-blooded than the rest of them (in more ways than one). The winter always was hardest on him._

_Sighing in disgust, knowing what he had to do, Raph leaned forward, grabbed his brother by the shoulders and dragged him backwards. While obviously surprised, Leo was trained well enough not to shout, knowing how closely humans lurked nearby. Now having trapped the leader against his plastron and restraining him within muscular arms, Raph sat the turtle between his legs, pulling him close. Not that he wanted to be so close at the moment. He was still pissed as hell, and Leo only made that worse. But it wasn’t like he could let the guy freeze to death out here. And despite it feeling like he was hugging an ice cube, this arrangement wasn’t_ so _very bad._

_Of course the stubborn jackass didn’t say anything. Just sat stiffly while Raph tried his best to warm the turtle-sicle. Running his hands up and down the length of the leader’s arms, trying to think warm thoughts, the two sat in fridge silence that had nothing to do with the rain. It was at times like these that Raphael wondered why he even bothered being nice to Leo at all. He was just a whiney bitch most of the time, demanding but never showing feelings._

_…Except when he did. And those moments, Raphael cherished more than anything else in the world._

_Sighing, he ended up leaning his chin on the other’s shell. Leo’s shivering had lessened significantly. With eyes becoming heavy, Raph was just starting to drift off to sleep when he finally felt his brother move._

_“I’m sorry.”_

_It was whisper soft, almost missed over the pounding rain, but Raph heard it. Squeezing his turtle closer to his chest, Raphael closed his eyes, burying his face into Leonardo’s neck as he allowed a wave of warmth to wash over him._

Opening his eyes at a thunder clap as he sat in a cave on yet another dank, backwaters planet, Raphael sighed, pulling his blanket tighter around his shoulders. The rain outside was thick, coming down in heavy sheets. In a moment of weakness, he found himself wishing he had someone to hug close on this miserable night, to keep warm. But ignoring the stab of longing, growling under his breath, the turtle could only hope the sudden irrational surge of anger would be enough to keep him warm as he sat alone.


	8. Something Missing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raph notices some differences.

She was so soft, at least when compared to a turtle, but it was exotic. _Erotic_. The feel of her smooth, flawless skin under his hands, the way her tail thrashed back and forth, wrapped around him. It was so different, so new!

But there was something missing.

Laying on Mona Lisa’s bunk, fooling around, Raph tried to clear his mind of everything and focus on his girlfriend, who was currently on top of him. She was still learning the nuances of human-like kissing, but was certainly improving her technique. Of course she was more eager to bite than kiss, and while the mutant had no oppositions to being a little rough there was just something not quite…

There was a certain amount of – not intimacy, that was the wrong word – but a level of closeness that was…different. Not that he had a lot of experience to base this make out session with Mona off of, but right now, as he was grabbing and groping the Salamandrian, it almost felt as though he were merely…going through the motions. It was exciting, new to an extent, yes, but there was something missing.

A squeeze of the tail took more effort, didn’t illicit the same reaction he’d grown accustomed to. Biting along the neck didn’t garner the same gasps and moans. The hands on him were not as firm, not as insistent, and didn’t seem to _know_ where to go. The hands were clumsy, reaching for the wrong places, always automatically rubbing on hard shell instead of yearning flesh. She hadn’t found the ticklish spots, pulled too harshly at his sensitive tail, didn’t press hard enough against him. But what Raph found himself missing most in this new paradigm were the hard won, forced churrs he could pull from…

But that was the past. It wasn’t right or fair to compare Mona Lisa to the past. She was _not_ Raph’s last partner, nor would she ever be. While this was different, it wasn’t _bad_. It wasn’t _lacking!_ It was simply _different_. _New_.

Patience. He just had to be a little more patient. Soon enough, Raphael knew he would find it hard to believe he had been with anyone but Mona Lisa. Wouldn’t miss the one he had left behind. Soon enough he and Mona would make this work, would click and everything would be perfect. Soon enough, Raph would win the right to become Mona’s mate and they could truly be together. The past would be so far behind him.

And he vowed to himself that he would never look back.


	9. Vega IX Incident

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raphael is done following orders.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Wednesday!

Frowning at the map of _Vega IX,_ Raphael shook his head furiously. “This ain’t gunna work.”

“We have our orders,” K’Sarthyr replied crisply as he, too, over looked the plans.

“We do this, we’re gunna get _killed_ ,” the turtle continued to argue.

“Our orders stand.”

“But this is just suicide!”

“Enough, Raphael,” Mona Lisa snapped. “We have our orders. I will bring your observations and concerns to the Colonel and report back if any changes are issued.”

As he watched his girlfriend walk out, the ninja fumed. This was not going to go well. For anyone.

**oOoOoOo**

Beaten and battered from the battle now finally over, Raphael watched as Mona Lisa exited the medical tent after receive the mandatory check up. Like himself, she was just as bruised, filthy, and just as tired. Her shoulders were drooped, her movements stiff. They had spent nearly eight hours in battle, the last hour actually engaging the enemy hand to hand. Even now the turtle’s ears were ringing, body numb as the memories flashed fresh in his mind.

“They fucked up.”

When Mona Lisa stopped beside him, she didn’t look at him directly. Instead, she slipped her hand into his. “Yes.”

“How the hell they fuck up?!” he snarled, feeling his body quiver with rage. They’d had it all planned, assured that this would work. Colonel Ra’lazsah had been so confident.

“Shoulda yelled at Colonel Dumbass myself,” he spat, disgusted with himself, guilty for the carnage that had ensued as a result of his unwillingness to speak up further. “I _knew_ this wasn’t gunna work!”

The lieutenant shook her head, eyes compassionate and guilty as well. “We had our orders.”

“Orders I knew were gunna fuck us over!” he snarled, ripping his hand away from the Salamandrian to stalk several feet forward. “Fuck!” he screamed out into the eerily still dusk before whipping around to glare at his girlfriend. “I _knew_ , Mona! I knew this was gunna happen! Why didn’t ya _listen_ ta me? Leo woulda listened ta me!”

Leo would have done a lot of things differently here…

Regretting the harsh words, however, as he watched his girlfriend flinch back, the seasoned soldier eventually overcame any fear she held to instead walk up to the younger being. After assessing that the turtle was forcing himself to calm, she was confident enough to press her forehead to his. It further helped the turtle take control of himself, but did nothing to erase the anger and guilt. He didn’t know what to do with the energy he felt building up inside of him. “Battle like this is always difficult,” the female reasoned, her voice almost low enough that Raph couldn’t make out the words. “It takes time to make any kind of sense, of the fight and the orders. In time, we all adjust.”

In this instance, Raph wasn’t sure he _wanted_ to adjust. Wasn’t sure he wanted to be a part of a team that disregarded warnings and critical analyzes. Wasn’t sure he wanted to follow a commanding officer that allowed his pride to consume reason.

Even as he felt Mona’s lips pressed sweetly against his, her tail curling around his calves, Raphael’s mind wandered elsewhere. Never again, he vowed. He was never going to be silent again. He would disobey orders next time if need be rather than allow such slaughter to occur. He'd do anything to protect his brothers and sisters in arms. Because the good of the troops was vastly more important than inflated egos and shitty orders. It’s what a good leader would do.

It's what Leo would do.


End file.
